So many months in denial

I would need to start talking about the Czech health care system, which makes me sad. If I can summarize what I think about it with one example, the latest, here it is: The main star is this doctor, who replaces my usual gynecologist (a lovely woman from a private insurance that unfortunately has been on leave most of my pregnancy).

After messing around with my papers for a while, claiming that I am not his usual patient and after going through the usual revision, he puts some piece of sheet with results of tests in front of my nose. “Do you have this?” “No, I say, taking a brief look”. He then goes on to blame me because I didn't bring copies of all my papers, which forces him to browse through my folder, suggests that I stay home for a week if I have any kind of discomfort, and stands up to say bye, but my eyes are fixed on the test results.
-What does this mean?
-It means high risk of neuronal tube defects…
-What the fuck??!!!!
-It is not so accurate test… some clinics don't do it. It's a Travant.
-But this looks worrying. Should I worry?
-I don't know. You have to ask the genetics clinic. Maybe amniocentesis, maybe not… I don't know. Have a nice day.
-But…
-I don't know

So Martin and I have spent a week basically panicking, searching in google, panicking again, understanding how the fucking test works and what are really the odds of something going wrong to get finally to the appointment in the genetics clinic and find out there is nothing wrong with the baby besides the high dosis of stress that I imposed into it over the week.

The thing is, that during that horror I realized I probably could not kill it, even if there is something wrong. It moves, you know. It has five little fingers in each hand and it sucks its thumb. I am not sure I could kill it, even if it would be morally understandable. And that's why we bought baby shoes. That horrible worry, that sense of responsibility, that neurosis, that thinking I could not kill it even if it would probably kill me… I guess we finally understood that we are having a baby.