Tuppersex

Since we are older and have children we became something similar to serious adults. We have to admit we would not react the same way we used to if a drunk Elvis knocked our door at four a.m, and we don't host anymore those kind of parties in which people come through your window to make dirty stuff with a Swedish Erasmus in your laundry room. I suspect our current social circle would decline the invitation to a toga-party and when Martin sleeps in the carpet is not because he was not able to climb the bunk-bed. Waking up with cuts in the bottom because of a sauna party that ends in the ice, going out wearing bunny ears, playing "I have never...", crash a Polish wedding, make a sangria out of vodka and potatoes, chat during hours about the shape and size of a penis... I have to admit, I miss that stuff from time to time.

That's why it feels so good to make a tuppersex with friends. A Spanish tuppersex. You know it is Spanish when people pass the vibrator with one hand and the croquetas dish with the other.

Dear friends, I will tell you how the event works. The company sends you a fairy. Yes, a fairy. The fairy carries a suitcase full of goodies such as creams and toys. Creams and oils are important. Not many girls attend a tuppersex expecting to find a silicon replica of Nacho Vidal's tool and ready to pay two hundred euros for it. Most carry twenty in order to purchase a massage oil that you could easily find in your local drug store. Which one would be a more intelligent investment? I wouldn't know. One of the ladies put it this way: "well, the moment comes when you know that this (holding a 30 cm vibrator) is the best you are going to get"

Talking about famous replicas, it was soon apparent we wouldn't find those in the fairy's suitcase. Apparently pastel smiley toys with animal shapes are more fashionable nowadays. After making our tongue insensitive by licking eatable massage oil and other parts hypersensitive by trying the spicy cream the fairy left in the bathroom, we were introduced to "the worm that never gets enough" (that was a single word in German) and his friends: a naughty mole that holds a flower, an angel, a dolphin, a bunny that grabs your nipples... "I don't like my toys looking at me" one of the ladies kept repeating. I personally could not possibly buy the mole. It is too similar to my kid's favorite cartoons http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAL4ZGhV9XI. If fact, as many other pointed out, the worm and all his buddies wouldn't draw any attention in a children's toy box.

The tuppersex operation is rather simple. The German fairy holds one device after the other with the same grace you would hold your neighbor’s dirty panties and tries to describe its features and benefits. She tries, because is of course interrupted by some lady with the mouth full of tortilla and much better ideas regarding what to do with the toy. Where could you stick a dildo with sucker? Ask a Nuremberg mum.

Talking about mothers, a tuppersex hosted by a mum is over at eight, when her husband and child return home. "Can I touch the tissues?" Was all my better half asked.

And that’s it. After a couple of weeks the packet comes. A meter per fifty centimeters box full of vibrators and penis shaped candy. Then of course the kids ask if the package is a present for them, if they can open it, and eat the candy and mum has to find the tallest most discreet shelf in the house to store her new friend, and writes a post that will be deleted before her kid finds out that when he was two years old we caught him playing with mum's Chinese balls.